It's a bit small, but it'll do.

Mikey, you set yourself up for this one.

...Fired? But you can't do that in Hollywood!

So I present the Top 5 Reasons I’d Fire You, which double as red flags for potential divas. Their basic. They’re obvious. And yet Hollywood refuses to see them from a hole in the wall.

1. Unprofessional / Unprepared
We’ve all heard the stories: actors too lazy to memorize lines, flipping out on set (I still laugh at this target=”_blank”), directors showing up whenever they feel like it. These are things that shouldn’t happen, yet they do all the time. You do it once, and you get a warning. If it happens again, you’re fired.

2. Sexual Harrasment
All too common in Hollywood. I’ve heard countless stories of big shots telling girls to show them their tits, along with disgusting chauvinist jokes being thrown around offices and sets. I hear it once, you’re fired. End of story. I don’t care if you’re directing. Directors don’t honestly do that much. Hell, I’ll fucking direct if I have to. You’re fired.

3. Yelling for No Reason
This one pisses me off. I try to live a stress-free life, and yelling tends to make that impossible. It’s loud and obnoxious, and usually completely pointless and unnecessary (not always, but 98% of the time). I’m not terribly strict about this, but if it happens too often, you should start reading the classifieds. If someone were to yell at me… well, that just doesn’t happen.

4. Non-Compliant
I say, “Sorry, we can’t fit that in the budget.” Yet they press forward anyway, as though it’s happening. This is a serious red flag for a straight brat. You tell them one thing, they do the opposite. You tell them no, they say yes. So you say, “Fuck you, you’re fired.” And in a perfect world, they say nothing.

5. Condescending Me
I’ve let this happen to me far too many times. When you allow someone to condescend you, it’s the first step toward becoming their bitch. Nothing good comes from it. Ever. Therefore, Diva, if you continue to talk down to me in person, on the phone, or even in an email, I will fire you so hard that you’ll forever have remixed nightmares of me firing you to a bad techno beat.

Companies like Vuguru have jumpstarted the trend of television-webivision-assimilation, using the tactics of major studios and networks to fund, produce, and distribute these small multi-platform projects. And as pieces of technology continue to blend into one giant communications machine (see: Megazord), there are more and more opportunities for distribution, from the cliché video-sharing websites like Youtube, to the introverted Hulu and Blip.TV who are acting more like networks than public projection rooms. (And beyond, of course)

Therefore, it’s surprising to me how poorly these web shows are being delivered. Let’s face it, a “web series network” looks fantastic on paper, and in a video window, but no one has figured out how to deliver it properly. For this article, I’m focusing only on web shows that have been picked up, or are being distributed, by these so-called “networks.” Because they’re doing a bad job.

Web Series “Network” Websites
At this time, Hulu and Blip.TV seem to be the only contenders who are marketing themselves as original web content providers. (In my opinion, “WebSeriesNetwork.Com” and “Web Series Channel” are too overwhelming and all-encompassing to be considered anything but an informational resource.)

However, a quick trip to Hulu will leave you wondering where the hell to find all their exclusive content. Which videos are exclusive? Which videos are even web shows? And why are they buried under all the other stuff? For a company that is investing time, energy, and money into having exclusive content, they’re not trying very hard to showcase it. Which leaves me wondering, “What’s the point, Hulu?”

Alternatively, Blip.TV has just relaunched with an entire web series arsenal that they’ve been pushing hardcore. Their homepage is decorated with a big heading that reads “Discover the Best in Original Web Series,” which is followed by a bunch of unlabeled boxes. So if I’m looking at this correctly, they want me to click a random box and hope the show is decent…? I kid you not.

However, a quick scroll down and there is a decent list of their shows. They’re getting there. They’re trying. But after visiting a show page, I take that back. It’s pretty messy, confusing, and occasionally there are videos from totally different projects inside a show’s archive box. As someone just discovering some of these shows for the very first time, it’s more than enough for me to say “forget it,” and X out.

But to be fair, and I won’t go into detail, both sites are a mess. There’s just stuff everywhere. I don’t really know what else to say. In general, I think all this CSS, PHP, LSD, WordPress auto-update shit has destroyed simplistic navigation (not to mention website creativity).

Web Series Websites
There’s a lot of ‘em. Some are awesome (see: Homeschooled). Some are bad (see: Mortal Kombat because, as you’ll notice, they don’t actually have one). And some websites, especially those being pushed by “networks,” raise a few questions.

For example, I recently stumbled upon a new show called The Booth at the End. Terrific cast and all-around great work. Exclusive to Hulu…bleh. As far as their website, it might as well be nonexistent. Since the show is a Hulu exclusive, all the action and videos happen on Hulu, which is fine. Except that their official website only offers me a cute light-up link to their Hulu page, Facebook, Twitter, and a link to Vuguru (the studio that funds and distributes the project), which means absolutely nothing to me if I’m strictly a consumer. Let’s be honest.

The site offers nothing more. No information about the show, and no reason for me to ever come back. I’m inclined to blame it on Vuguru, but perhaps it’s an ill-considered contract restriction from Hulu? Either way, it doesn’t matter. It’s a problem.

Interestingly enough, the creators of The Booth have this very cool, social experiment game over here. Cool stuff. Really cool stuff. Fun and interesting. Unfortunately, took me a long time to stumble upon an article about the game, let alone find it on Google. But why? It could have just been at the official website.

To summarize, websites for these shows are lacking. They suck because nobody tried. (Again, I’m only talking about “network”-distributed shows, since they are the ones we’re supposed to “take seriously.”)

Major TV Network Websites
Let’s look at a network like AMC, who has a growing list of very successful television shows. Their website is relatively well-organized, albeit somewhat messy at times, as they fall into the wonderful habit of putting a LIKE button on every section of every page.

However, click on a show like Breaking Bad, and the concept is brilliantly simple. They make it easy for viewers to not only view content, but also navigate between shows, by building a site that makes it easy to do so. They must have geniuses working at AMC.

Each show has it’s own heading, it’s own cute background, it’s own style. It looks less like Youtube, and more like an entertainment experience. Yet, there is enough consistency between each page that it’s difficult to get lost.

And all the while, the AMC logo, along with main menu heading, is always there to keep you buckled in for the ride.

What Needs to Happen
The key here is that TV networks have sites that work, but they don’t always play full episodes online; obviously, they want you to tune in to their station. Web series networks have poorly-conceived sites that double as their station. So why can we not find a happy medium here?

Hulu and Blip.TV, along with all the other upcoming web network companies that are undoubtedly coming to a monitor/mobile device near you, need to operate more like a network before they can ACT like a network.

It’s one thing to upload a bunch of shows to your video lineup, and let them auto-appear on your homepage queue. It’s something else to actually present these individual shows to viewers, under a network brand.

If these companies are pushing the concept of original content, then it should be easier to find on their site. The setup should be clearer. Navigation should be more organized, and the network should urge viewers to check out their other shows, rather than employing an automatic “You Might Also Enjoy” box. All in all, there should be some attempt to feel like a real network.

Then, maybe these companies will deserve to be called Web Series Networks. What do you think? Are there networks or shows that are doing something better?

So I’m an artist. I do creative things. I like to write and direct films. I enjoy acting strange and alienated at industry parties.

But at some point over the past few years, it became blatantly evident I needed to throw on a suit and act like a businessman (key word: ACT). And one day, it became equally evident that I would need to pick up the phone and make cold calls to people who don’t really want to talk to me.

I spent weeks, studying, reading, researching, and trying to find that scientific formula that would equate to the Perfect Sales Call. And when I made that first call to god knows who, expecting to instantly close a $100,000 deal, I read my script (which was, in a literary sense, quite well-written) and heard a “No” and a click–not even a fucking “Thank you.”

Taking a short quantum of solace, thimble of me-time, I did some reading and came across some concepts that stayed with me. A recurring theme that all sales people have noted is that your customer (or client, in this case) has to like you within 30 seconds. Take any longer, and you’ve probably already lost the game.

I also considered the industry I work in: entertainment. Where cold calls are no colder than cool, and the word “whatever” is an accepted professional term. When I called, it needed to feel more like I was meeting someone at one of those aforementioned industry parties (minus the alienation). It needed to be a fun conversation, like I was giving the person on the other end a much-needed break to get them through the day.

So I pretended that would actually work. And, somehow, it actually did.

It worked for them, and it worked for me. I started to love calling people. I made a fun game out of it. To get through secretaries, I acted like if they didn’t put me through, they would be fired. To get people to listen, I kept a cool, I-don’t-really-give-a-fuck tone to my voice. “Yeah, we’re looking to do this, but whatever if you don’t want to,” was my mindset. Not sure if it made me sound like a big shot, or if people were just completely caught off guard by my anti-sell approach (probably the latter), but we instantly found ourselves crawling in opportunities. And I found that my relationship with those people improved. It’s nothing for me to email just to see how they’re doing.

So I guess my point is, you can make a big deal out of anything, Google it to death, search endlessly for the Holy Grail of advice, OR you can just say fuck it, and do things your own way. Because let’s be honest, you wouldn’t be self-employed if you couldn’t do things your own way.

The idea of a home office has that enticing air of fun, relaxing, private, “I’m a loner, Dotty,” convenience.  Just imagine being able to roll out of bed, throw on a Hugh Hefner robe, and sleepwalk like a zombie into the next room to begin your work day.  What a magical concept.

Now let’s wake up for real this time, step out of dreamland, and realize that unfortunately this isn’t Disney, and that magic is only as real as the Epcot magnet on your fridge.  Working in a home office is a lifestyle, and for many people it is extremely difficult, especially if they’re used to working in the busy hustle-bustle of a traditional workplace.

But there are many simple things you can do to ease your mind of the debilitating confinement and isolation.  These particular rules have managed to keep my workdays productive for years.

1. Give Yourself a Relaxing Wake-Up

Set your alarm clock at least an hour and a half before you start work, and take an hour to yourself. Drink coffee, watch the Today Show, and eat some oatmeal. Look forward to this time of day, because you won’t get many free periods like this. Don’t think about work; just enjoy yourself.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH THE SNOOZE BUTTON on your alarm clock; just get up. If you don’t feel like waking up to relax, then you’re sure as hell not going to wake up for work.

Depending on how long it takes you to get ready, the last half-hour should be reserved for getting showered and dressed (more on that next).

2. Put Your Shoes On

Taking a shower and getting completely dressed, including shoes and socks, has a massive psychological effect on your work. It will get you in a productive mode, and will keep you more focused throughout the day.

Don’t throw on a robe and slippers and expect to get stuff done. Once the work day begins, you should not be relaxed.  …Well, you can relax, but… you know what I mean.

3. Commute to Work

This is an optional rule, but strongly suggested. And, yes, you read correctly. Commute to work.

The one part of the day that you used to hate may be one thing you miss the most. You will be grounded in your house until lunchtime if you do not allow yourself the benefit of a commute. Get in your car, drive down the street, grab a coffee, and take a short scenic route home. Again, it will have a strong psychological effect on your mindset.

Don’t think of it as leaving and coming back. Think of it as a real commute, from your home to your job. By the time you get to the office, your mind will be ready for work.

4. Listen to Background Music

Real offices tend to have ambience, which is primarily because there are other people around. Your office will be SILENT.

Playing some soft music prevents boredom and fills in all those quiet moments with sound. It also keeps your brain ticking, especially during times of pondering and inner-monologue.

5. Designate Short “Facebook” Periods

Let’s pretend “Facebook” is a metaphor for any kind of online personal stuff you can’t resist checking up on.

Let’s face it, you’re going to need to check your Facebook page.  So designate a few (just a FEW) 3-minute sessions, spread throughout the day, and use this time to check your precious updates. If you don’t have specific times laid out, you will undoubtedly log on every few minutes.

If you have a fan page, or a Twitter, for your business (which you should), try to resist getting caught up in your personal page every time you send an update to fans. And ALWAYS keep your chat box “Offline” during business hours.

Any personal emails to friends, instant messaging, perusing through Maxim, or updating of your online dating profile should be dealt with during these sparse Facebook periods  Emphasis on sparse.

6. Leave Your House at Lunch

Lunchtime is your time, so get the hell away from whatever you’re working on. Forget about it.

Leave your house to go buy a coffee, or grab a lunch from your fridge and drive somewhere scenic. Like the morning relaxation period, this is another one of the few times you should not be thinking about work.  Turn off your phone if you have to.  Clients can wait.

When you get back to work, you’ll feel refreshed and re-energized.

7. Avoid Taking Personal Calls

Okay, so I admit there are moments in life when you absolutely need to take a personal call, due to an emergency or simply because you’re down and you need to make yourself feel better by bragging to your miserable friends about how happy you are because you’re working for yourself and it’s awesome.

But in truth, personal calls can destroy your work swagger. Even a thirty second call to a loved one will throw off your focus; or worse, you’ll get yelled at by your spouse for not paying attention to the phone because you’re busy, and then you’ll be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

You always have lunchtime to call your buddies back, or you can wait until you punch out for the day.  If you actively mention to friends and family that you can not take calls during business hours, they will get the hint and learn to wait until lunch or evening. You might not feel like an amazing human being, but when you’re self-employed, you gotta do what you gotta do.

8. Open the Window

Office motivation is hard to come by when it’s a gorgeous day and the sun is laughing at you through the window. Being self-employed means you have no boss to keep you on track, and technically a quick jaunt over to the beach could easily be added to your work schedule (don’t add it).

The best way to fight a beautiful day is by simply opening the window. It may seem like the obvious thing to do, but a nice breeze and a little outdoor ambience can be incredibly therapeutic. And it’s a perfect way to enjoy great weather AND get work done.

(Unfortunately for us New Englanders, this rule only applies for half the year.  Resist the urge to open the window in December.  You probably don’t have a window screen installed in the dead of winter, which will allow a squirrel to enter the premises and destroy a pile of irreplaceable forms, as well as a very large check.  Believe me, it’s not worth it.  I’m still convinced he was hired by a competitor.)

9. Adhere to Work Hours

You need to suck it up and start working when your workday begins (which should be by 9:00a). Take either thirty minutes or an hour for lunch, and when your time is up, get back to the office.

At the end of your workday, stop working. Sounds simple enough, but once workaholism inevitably sets in, it gets easier and easier to work longer and later.

But, unfortunately, you will burn yourself out, and your work will suffer beyond repair. Plus, pieces of your life will slowly fall apart and rot away in the back of your mind, eternally reminding you that you have risked a great deal of friendships with people who used to love you.

So stop and enjoy your life because you only get one.

The best part of being self-employed is that you can define your own work hours. If you, for example, want to separate your day with an extended lunch that includes a visit to the gym, it is completely your choice. Just make sure when you get back to work, you WORK.

10. Be Confident

Dude, you’re self-employed. That’s awesome. And it sounds impressive…as long as you are confident about it. When you meet people, either on the phone or in person, their perception of your company will be based on how you present it (formally and informally).

Behind the scenes, you will see the highs and the lows—you may have to demote yourself to smaller salary, or you may have moments where there appears to be no incoming business on the horizon. Or you may decide one morning that you have wasted years of your precious life building a company that has, from your perspective, gone nowhere, and that maybe you should have just taken that damn job offer you got a few years back, and then maybe you would be able to interact with other people once in a while, rather than spend week after week alone in a room.

But confidence is what will get you through these inevitable hardships. Looking and feeling confident about yourself will not only help you grow on a personal level, it is what will keep clients and the general public looking up to you and your company.

And if things do go south (which they will at one point), it’s not very helpful to cry to your friends. You kinda just look pathetic and sad.  Keep it positive, and you’ll get through the unbearably rough times.

_________________________

This list is a great starting point for home officers, and it’s always helped me.  But everyone has their own quirks, so keep trying different things until you find your groove.  And once you find it, always be ready to switch things up to keep that groove.

What do you think of the rules?  Which ones work for you?  And did I miss any?

I’ve been so caught up in the daily adventures of running an apeirogonal business — think of “sides” as “shit to take care of” — that I’ve completely disregarded the importance of the Oh, Holy Blog.  Maybe it’s just the warmer weather making me feel more confident and introspective, but today I took my giant leap (leap?) of Ferris Bueller Stop-and-Look-Around-Mantra faith, and realized I’m sitting on a goldmine of experience and new-found knowledge.

Yes, I’m 23 years old.  No, I haven’t hit the million dollar mark yet.  No, I haven’t even hit the million view mark yet.  But, I’ve seen a lot, and I’ve learned a lot.  Not just about the entertainment industry, but about marketing, about business in general, and about great deal of other random stuff that I won’t waste time trying to gentrify.

(And you thought I was going to say something lame, like life. Yeah, no.)

So, I have made it my job to update this blog every week (I’m the boss; I can do that), to share my experiences — probably under the metaphorical hashtags of #selfemployment and #filmindustry, for all my Tweeters — as well as offer some insight into the daily struggles of a creative-type brain working in a business setting (I never know which one is Type 1 or 2).  And for the reality TV fans out there, you can look forward to some drama up in here, since, yes, I share both a business and personal relationship with that producer mentioned above (twist!).

Ahem, so without further ado… iBlog.