5 Reasons I’d Fire You: Red Flags for Potential Hollywood Divas

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Rob

I’m not a rich, suit-toting executive that smokes a cigar and drinks Scotch in his private, tapestry-donned, presidential office. I’m not even an executive. Although I’m not necessarily against all that later in life, when I’m old and tired.

It's a bit small, but it'll do.



But from project to project, I am forced with the arduous task of hiring crew and talent. In the Hollywood industry, people (especially above-the-line) tend to be mentally-unstable bastards who, more or less, get away with whatever the hell they want. The problem is that producers and execs allow these people to grow into annoying fucking divas (as shown in the figure below).

Mikey, you set yourself up for this one.



Throughout decades of Hollywood escapades, execs and studios have put themselves in a sad, limbo-like position. Divas can’t be fired because they make money. They can’t be yelled at because they’ll refuse to work. If producers and execs would just collect their balls and act like normal employers, perhaps Hollywood wouldn’t be so full of assholes. Charlie Sheen is a great, albeit cliche and expected, example. While I enjoyed him on Two and a Half Men, I applaud CBS for doing the right thing as his employer. Perhaps it will inspired others to grow cajones.

...Fired? But you can't do that in Hollywood!


So I present the Top 5 Reasons I’d Fire You, which double as red flags for potential divas. Their basic. They’re obvious. And yet Hollywood refuses to see them from a hole in the wall.

1. Unprofessional / Unprepared
We’ve all heard the stories: actors too lazy to memorize lines, flipping out on set (I still laugh at this target=”_blank”), directors showing up whenever they feel like it. These are things that shouldn’t happen, yet they do all the time. You do it once, and you get a warning. If it happens again, you’re fired.

2. Sexual Harrasment
All too common in Hollywood. I’ve heard countless stories of big shots telling girls to show them their tits, along with disgusting chauvinist jokes being thrown around offices and sets. I hear it once, you’re fired. End of story. I don’t care if you’re directing. Directors don’t honestly do that much. Hell, I’ll fucking direct if I have to. You’re fired.

3. Yelling for No Reason
This one pisses me off. I try to live a stress-free life, and yelling tends to make that impossible. It’s loud and obnoxious, and usually completely pointless and unnecessary (not always, but 98% of the time). I’m not terribly strict about this, but if it happens too often, you should start reading the classifieds. If someone were to yell at me… well, that just doesn’t happen.

4. Non-Compliant
I say, “Sorry, we can’t fit that in the budget.” Yet they press forward anyway, as though it’s happening. This is a serious red flag for a straight brat. You tell them one thing, they do the opposite. You tell them no, they say yes. So you say, “Fuck you, you’re fired.” And in a perfect world, they say nothing.

5. Condescending Me
I’ve let this happen to me far too many times. When you allow someone to condescend you, it’s the first step toward becoming their bitch. Nothing good comes from it. Ever. Therefore, Diva, if you continue to talk down to me in person, on the phone, or even in an email, I will fire you so hard that you’ll forever have remixed nightmares of me firing you to a bad techno beat.

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Web Series “Networks” …About That

Posted on July 27, 2011 by Rob

I don’t need to waste any time prefacing about the ever-growing trend that is the Web Series. It’s been happening for years, and it’s constantly reaching new heights and platforms every day.

Companies like Vuguru have jumpstarted the trend of television-webivision-assimilation, using the tactics of major studios and networks to fund, produce, and distribute these small multi-platform projects. And as pieces of technology continue to blend into one giant communications machine (see: Megazord), there are more and more opportunities for distribution, from the cliché video-sharing websites like Youtube, to the introverted Hulu and Blip.TV who are acting more like networks than public projection rooms. (And beyond, of course)

Therefore, it’s surprising to me how poorly these web shows are being delivered. Let’s face it, a “web series network” looks fantastic on paper, and in a video window, but no one has figured out how to deliver it properly. For this article, I’m focusing only on web shows that have been picked up, or are being distributed, by these so-called “networks.” Because they’re doing a bad job.

Web Series “Network” Websites
At this time, Hulu and Blip.TV seem to be the only contenders who are marketing themselves as original web content providers. (In my opinion, “WebSeriesNetwork.Com” and “Web Series Channel” are too overwhelming and all-encompassing to be considered anything but an informational resource.)

However, a quick trip to Hulu will leave you wondering where the hell to find all their exclusive content. Which videos are exclusive? Which videos are even web shows? And why are they buried under all the other stuff? For a company that is investing time, energy, and money into having exclusive content, they’re not trying very hard to showcase it. Which leaves me wondering, “What’s the point, Hulu?”

Alternatively, Blip.TV has just relaunched with an entire web series arsenal that they’ve been pushing hardcore. Their homepage is decorated with a big heading that reads “Discover the Best in Original Web Series,” which is followed by a bunch of unlabeled boxes. So if I’m looking at this correctly, they want me to click a random box and hope the show is decent…? I kid you not.

However, a quick scroll down and there is a decent list of their shows. They’re getting there. They’re trying. But after visiting a show page, I take that back. It’s pretty messy, confusing, and occasionally there are videos from totally different projects inside a show’s archive box. As someone just discovering some of these shows for the very first time, it’s more than enough for me to say “forget it,” and X out.

But to be fair, and I won’t go into detail, both sites are a mess. There’s just stuff everywhere. I don’t really know what else to say. In general, I think all this CSS, PHP, LSD, WordPress auto-update shit has destroyed simplistic navigation (not to mention website creativity).

Web Series Websites
There’s a lot of ‘em. Some are awesome (see: Homeschooled). Some are bad (see: Mortal Kombat because, as you’ll notice, they don’t actually have one). And some websites, especially those being pushed by “networks,” raise a few questions.

For example, I recently stumbled upon a new show called The Booth at the End. Terrific cast and all-around great work. Exclusive to Hulu…bleh. As far as their website, it might as well be nonexistent. Since the show is a Hulu exclusive, all the action and videos happen on Hulu, which is fine. Except that their official website only offers me a cute light-up link to their Hulu page, Facebook, Twitter, and a link to Vuguru (the studio that funds and distributes the project), which means absolutely nothing to me if I’m strictly a consumer. Let’s be honest.

The site offers nothing more. No information about the show, and no reason for me to ever come back. I’m inclined to blame it on Vuguru, but perhaps it’s an ill-considered contract restriction from Hulu? Either way, it doesn’t matter. It’s a problem.

Interestingly enough, the creators of The Booth have this very cool, social experiment game over here. Cool stuff. Really cool stuff. Fun and interesting. Unfortunately, took me a long time to stumble upon an article about the game, let alone find it on Google. But why? It could have just been at the official website.

To summarize, websites for these shows are lacking. They suck because nobody tried. (Again, I’m only talking about “network”-distributed shows, since they are the ones we’re supposed to “take seriously.”)

Major TV Network Websites
Let’s look at a network like AMC, who has a growing list of very successful television shows. Their website is relatively well-organized, albeit somewhat messy at times, as they fall into the wonderful habit of putting a LIKE button on every section of every page.

However, click on a show like Breaking Bad, and the concept is brilliantly simple. They make it easy for viewers to not only view content, but also navigate between shows, by building a site that makes it easy to do so. They must have geniuses working at AMC.

Each show has it’s own heading, it’s own cute background, it’s own style. It looks less like Youtube, and more like an entertainment experience. Yet, there is enough consistency between each page that it’s difficult to get lost.

And all the while, the AMC logo, along with main menu heading, is always there to keep you buckled in for the ride.

What Needs to Happen
The key here is that TV networks have sites that work, but they don’t always play full episodes online; obviously, they want you to tune in to their station. Web series networks have poorly-conceived sites that double as their station. So why can we not find a happy medium here?

Hulu and Blip.TV, along with all the other upcoming web network companies that are undoubtedly coming to a monitor/mobile device near you, need to operate more like a network before they can ACT like a network.

It’s one thing to upload a bunch of shows to your video lineup, and let them auto-appear on your homepage queue. It’s something else to actually present these individual shows to viewers, under a network brand.

If these companies are pushing the concept of original content, then it should be easier to find on their site. The setup should be clearer. Navigation should be more organized, and the network should urge viewers to check out their other shows, rather than employing an automatic “You Might Also Enjoy” box. All in all, there should be some attempt to feel like a real network.

Then, maybe these companies will deserve to be called Web Series Networks. What do you think? Are there networks or shows that are doing something better?

Posted in New Media, Web Series | Tagged | 6 Comments

What I’ve Learned About Sales Calls

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Rob

So I’m an artist. I do creative things. I like to write and direct films. I enjoy acting strange and alienated at industry parties.

But at some point over the past few years, it became blatantly evident I needed to throw on a suit and act like a businessman (key word: ACT). And one day, it became equally evident that I would need to pick up the phone and make cold calls to people who don’t really want to talk to me.

I spent weeks, studying, reading, researching, and trying to find that scientific formula that would equate to the Perfect Sales Call. And when I made that first call to god knows who, expecting to instantly close a $100,000 deal, I read my script (which was, in a literary sense, quite well-written) and heard a “No” and a click–not even a fucking “Thank you.”

Taking a short quantum of solace, thimble of me-time, I did some reading and came across some concepts that stayed with me. A recurring theme that all sales people have noted is that your customer (or client, in this case) has to like you within 30 seconds. Take any longer, and you’ve probably already lost the game.

I also considered the industry I work in: entertainment. Where cold calls are no colder than cool, and the word “whatever” is an accepted professional term. When I called, it needed to feel more like I was meeting someone at one of those aforementioned industry parties (minus the alienation). It needed to be a fun conversation, like I was giving the person on the other end a much-needed break to get them through the day.

So I pretended that would actually work. And, somehow, it actually did.

It worked for them, and it worked for me. I started to love calling people. I made a fun game out of it. To get through secretaries, I acted like if they didn’t put me through, they would be fired. To get people to listen, I kept a cool, I-don’t-really-give-a-fuck tone to my voice. “Yeah, we’re looking to do this, but whatever if you don’t want to,” was my mindset. Not sure if it made me sound like a big shot, or if people were just completely caught off guard by my anti-sell approach (probably the latter), but we instantly found ourselves crawling in opportunities. And I found that my relationship with those people improved. It’s nothing for me to email just to see how they’re doing.

So I guess my point is, you can make a big deal out of anything, Google it to death, search endlessly for the Holy Grail of advice, OR you can just say fuck it, and do things your own way. Because let’s be honest, you wouldn’t be self-employed if you couldn’t do things your own way.

Posted in Office Work | 3 Comments